I had nightmares the other night. I don't get them often, but when I do it's because I need to sit with something for a while, maybe make a mental adjustment or remind myself of something I've lost sight of.
This particular nightmare came at the end of a difficult weekend with the offspring. When I say 'difficult', I mean all three were balls deep in some big ass feels: Esme lashed out when she heard I was going to the UK without her. Alfie got mad because I interrupted his gaming to make him come and eat lunch. Olive was having a "fizzy" day - Imma leave that one there because it's a whole ass post in itself - The point is, it was open season on mama bears.
Did I feel like being an attachment parent? Nope.
Did I feel like attachment parenting was working? Also nope.
If I'm being honest, I felt out of control, disrespected, unappreciated and very unloved.
It's not hard to parent with empathy when you're in that headspace, but it is hard to believe you're making the right choice.
Anyway, back to my nightmare and my overall tearful demeanour thereafter.
The old me would have worn that self-doubt like a cilice for days. The new me picked up the journal the children bought me for Mother's Day and doodled out all the thoughts and feels I had in my head. After that I cried (again) because it felt good to see the person I have become and because I wanted to be really sure that my face was, in fact, a hot mess.
Satisfied that I had suitably dehydrated myself, I jumped onto my phone for some distraction and was promptly presented with a video from Kerwin Rae that said:
Every single thing that you're doing in front of your child, I want you to ask yourself this question: Are you OK with them replicating that? Cos they're gonna. And if you're not, what would you change? And if you did want your children to behave in different ways when they're of age, how would you want them to behave? What behaviours would you want them to demonstrate? And start showing those behaviours now. You're either passing down wisdom on how to live a better and healthy life, or you're passing down words and showing people that you're a warning. You're either a warning or an example.
Well damn.
hot toast, that's a big question! I also suspect that we can think we're being one when we're being the other, in both directions. Be kind to yoself while being kind to your offsprings. <3
ReplyDeleteWell I do like a big question, as you know lol Maybe there's room to be both sometimes as well? I'm doodling at the moment about what my 'example' looks like, and I'm going to do one about what my 'warning' looks like too. Because balance .... and overthinking everything.
DeleteNat - I am no Parent but I know you to be a loving well meaning person that doesn’t take themselves too seriously. As kids we all say when I grow up I am going to be nothing like my parents however over time I find me doing or saying things that are what my parents did. So you are right we learn behaviours from our parents and some of us are more self aware than others. In my observation parenting is a hard and yes at times thankless job but I have to hope our parents didn’t have us for the sole purpose of being thanked every five minutes but yes a little appreciation goes a long way I suspect- point is don’t be too tough on yourself and have faith that you are an awesome person and mum. You do the best you can with the resources you have and life isn’t always fair and your kids will need to learn these things one day too. They might not say it enough but also suspect your kids love ya heaps
ReplyDelete