What Zombies Can Teach You About Motorcycle Adventure Tours

What Zombies Can Teach You About Motorcycle Adventure Tours

Friday, 7 April 2017

One of two things has happened: Either I have finally disappointed my parents so deeply they have given up on me entirely, or they are currently in awe of the majesty of my recent news.

I'm unclear on which of those it is because (so far) the grand unveiling of our new family plan has been met with stunned silence.

Yeah awe, let's go for awe.

This new plan of ours is what you'd call an inevitable conclusion: It draws together several strands of our blossoming wanderlust and combines them with the finesse and elegance of mating rhinos.

You're welcome for that mental image, BTW.

So clearly there has been an increase in the amount of adventuring that we have been including in our lives recently. Whether it's going up a mountain, spending time with our travelling friends, or just planning an tiki tour while we're back in the UK, it's been pretty obvious that we want to share some experiences with the children.

Also, we love motorbikes. 

Both those things tend to combine in something called Adventure Biking, and it seems to be very popular with two demographics: older men who are running late for a mid-life crisis, and young men who have no sense of mortality.

It is not a pastime for young families, that much we discovered on YouTube. 

We've watched Lyndon Poskitt ride like a BOSS through some of the most rugged terrains in the world. Like, the dude actually got disqualified from a rally in the arse end of nowhere and risked dying a horrible and lonely death just to prove a fucking point to the rally organisers. Even as I write I'm unsure whether that is the most heroic, or tragic thing I have ever written.

Then we found Bucky O'Broad (not quite his real name) who has the sort of face - and general approach to life - that would normally make me want to punch myself repeatedly in the head. Luckily he has a couple of things in his favour: firstly he can edit a mean video, and his music choice is somehow perky, without being overly twee. Kudos for that one son, you done good. Secondly, he is/ was travelling a route which, despite Buck's best efforts to make it sound the dark side of the moon, really appeals to me.

But the piece de resistance from YouTube's normally questionable What To Watch Next list was Ed March's channel. This guy is riding all over the world on a C90. Yup, I said that; a C frickin 90. That's basically a scooter with short man syndrome. He has no sponsorship, not much of a budget, but he does have a wicked sense of humour and the kind of attitude to disaster that makes me want him on speed dial. Every day. Just in case.

Anyway, we have wasted weeks of our lives watching other people have adventures. Other people who (I might add) do not have children. It became a sort of escape for us at the end of a hard day; Keith and I crooning over how cool it would be to go on our own adventure once the children have grown up. We got so into our nightly talks that we did that thing that couples do when you daydream a grand and expansive dream, knowing that neither of you will remember the finer detail by the time it becomes a reality.

Because we have three young children. 

That's one more than the number of pillion seats normally found on a pair of bikes. If there was any thought of making our dream a reality, the choices were to rehome one of them, go native and stack the little darlings in some sort of pyramid formation, wait until they were old enough to ride themselves, leave home under their own steam ... or come up with an alternative.

Hmmm, an alternative, that's still bike like, able to go offroad, but has enough seats to fit everyone in, safely, securely, and before I die inside from corporate life: If only such a vehicle existed.

Well, colour me educated!

God bless mother Russia, it's a proud contribution to the world. Second only to vodka. And maybe Vasili Arkhipov. 

So for the third time in our relationship, Keith and I are doing the dance of "could we? like, could we?!" This time, instead of getting married, or starting a family we are wondering whether, in a few short years, we rent out the house and set out on an awfully big adventure.

P.S. I was kidding about the Zombies. There are no Zombies. Only very tired parents.