How the Baby Got Sold

How the Baby Got Sold

Tuesday, 28 January 2014

I would like to tell you a little story.

Once there was a baby. She was a snugly little baby who loved to be carried, cuddle up to her parents at night and who enjoyed a hearty feed any time she was hungry.

In return her parents and siblings loved her very dearly and were careful to give her all the snuggles and milk she could desire.

Every day she would smile and blow raspberries and gurgle at the wonderful world around her. She was so cute that her family would smile and blow raspberries in reply, so in love they were.

One day she learned to turn over, and her family clapped and cheered and told her how clever she was.

Soon the little baby was commando crawling across the floor. The family exclaimed gleefully how wonderful it was that the baby could explore the world around her.

The baby was so encouraged that she soon started crawling properly, while also cruising. The family were slightly taken aback by this two pronged approach to mobility, especially at such a young age, but they were careful to be supportive all the same.

This was an error, because while the family thought they were being supportive, what the little baby heard was entirely different:

“We love it when you jut out your jaw and pull all the DVDs from the shelves all the live long day”

“Please stay awake half the night and use our heads as stepping stones as you cruise up and down the bed frame”

“Hoon up and down the house cackling maniacally and stuffing Nerf darts into your mouth”

"Hurl food at our heads with surprising speed and accuracy" 

The family pleaded with the little baby to stop this insanity but the baby wouldn't listen. She had taken a good look at the crazy that surrounded her and thought to herself “I’m going to have to do something really special to make my mark in this family”

So the family traded the baby for a blender and finally got some rest.

True story.