Not to worry thought because I have now been booked in for another scan in a few weeks time.
You may wonder who's palm I have greased to get such special treatment. The answer is nobody, I just happen to be under the care of the most neurotic group of medical professionals since Carry On Doctor, and the scan this morning revealed that Alfie is breech.
That's it. Seriously. That is the punch-line.
Hi I'm Tash and I'm 33 weeks pregnant and my baby is breech.
Not really the scare story of the century is it? There are no Hollywood directors beating down the door of Warner Bros to turn this into slasher flick.
I will also just say at this point that I was myself breech until a few days before I was born 2 weeks late. By all tenets of modern obstetrics I should be dead, as should my mother and possibly a selection of my extended family from the fallout of such risky shenanigans.
After my appointment I was ushered in to see the consultant (or rather his team, the man himself being otherwise occupied) to speak in hushed, but still remarkably patronising, tones of C Sections and manipulation techniques.
I adopted my now very well practised half-smile-of-benevolence while secretly making dinner plans. I've had to develop this technique to stop me from vaulting over various desks and throttling people with their own intestines on such notable occasions as:
Mrs Batsford, you have the MTHFR677T mutation, your blood might clot too easily so you need to take aspirin to thin it out.
half-smile-of-benevolence
Mrs Batsford, taking all this aspirin might make your baby too small. You will need to stop taking aspirin at 36 weeks just in time for your risk of pre-eclampsia to really kick in.
half-smile-of-benevolence
Mrs Batsford, or may I call you Natasha, your Hb levels are 10.5, you might run out of red blood cells.
half-smile-of-benevolence
Natasha, your platelets are only 128! That means any red blood cells you have left might leak out uncontrollably if you give birth naturally, we advise major abdominal surgery instead which carries a lower risk of bleeding
half-smile-of-benevolence
OH DEAR Natasha, your baby is the right size but the wrong way round!! You only have 7 weeks to turn him round and he might have flipped that way earlier this week, but we doubt there's room for him to turn back again. Therefore in view of that and your easily clotting, low Hb, easily leaking blood, we definitely think major abdominal surgery is the best idea for all concerned
half-smile-of-benevolence while wondering how blood can be both easily leaking and easily clotting. Presumably it comes out in like rapid fire ice cubes.
If my pregnancy is anything to go by, truly it is a wonder, nay miracle, that the human race has made it this far. Praise be for medical intervention, otherwise we might have had to manage the same way as we have for the last few thousand years.
Having done what I usually do and read up extensively since the appointment this morning, I have come to a conclusion not dissimilar to the conclusion of previous "revelations" - my "healthcare team" have clearly got their qualifications from a cereal packet.
Frankly, there are a LOT of things I can do to help turn this baby round, some of which I will be trying in the coming weeks (the spinning babies suggestions alone should make for amusing entertainment) but otherwise I will be birthing this baby at home, as planned, as a breech birth.
As Mary Cronk says (if you don't know who this woman is, seriously, look her up) some babies are breech for a reason! What I may have to write and inform her of is a new caveat to that statement along the lines of "and some are just awkward bugger Batsford babies"
Anyway, NCT classes start tomorrow!! Anyone want to lay bets on how quickly Keith will turn a delightful shade of grey/green?
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