Oh well

Oh well

Sometimes there are no words left, only the bitter sting of frustrated tears, a hug and the reassurance of a loving husband.

To keep my spirits up, this month I will be trying crystal therapy.

I have a good selection at home. The idea is that you cleanse them, close your eyes and allow yourself to be drawn to one. Then you carry that crystal round with you like your life depends on it.

Can’t hurt can it?

Friday, 16 January 2009 Comments: 0

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Day 30

Day 30

This is so weird, I haven’t felt like this for months.

On the 2nd Jan I had the slightest sign that I might have an egg implanting. This month is my month off from caring though, so I shrugged my shoulders and carried on with life and love and general barely contained chaos.

And now it’s Day 30, and I should have had a visit from Aunt Flo by now ... but I haven’t. I nearly choked at lunch when I realised it was the 12th. I checked my calendar just to be double sure and yup, Day 30. I stuffed the rest of my lunch down my throat and went to Waitrose to get a test but by the time I had done that I didn’t have much left in my bladder.

I managed to squeeze a few drops out and the line said the test had worked, but no sign of a BFP.

I don’t feel much of anything right now. Bit bloated, but not achy in a coming on kinda way, and emotionally, I’m just sighing and carrying on. By rights I should wait a week until I do another test, but I don’t think anyone has ever managed that, and I’m not about to be the first. I’ll test tomorrow morning and see what happens.

Don’t think I’ll say anything to Keith at the moment – I can’t stand that feeling of having let him down every month and the feeling is twice as bad if I've made some stupid reference to being late and he gets his hopes up.

Tuesday, 13 January 2009 Comments: 0

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Time Off for Bad Behaviour

Time Off for Bad Behaviour

Sometimes things take over and what you need is to step back and take a deep breath and a long drink from a bottle of rioja.

My best friend’s pregnant. And I’m made up for her, but coming at the first anniversary of Keith and I starting to try, it came as a kick in the metaphoricals as well.

I’m glad though, it helped me let go of that last little bit of positivity and hope I had and just give up entirely. I needed to do it, I needed to stop taking the vitamins and aspirin, I needed to let my hair down and enjoy some serious wine this festive season and Keith and I needed to remember what it was like to keep the neighbours up for no other reason than ‘just because’.

2009 has come now, with no huge fanfare but quietly, and with a reassurance that I haven’t known before.

For me, there is the sure and certain knowledge that I have a husband I adore, two dogs who adore me, a house I love and a family who drive me nuts, but who I would miss if they didn't.

I really don’t care anymore about timings and calendars and cycles and supplements and my body being a temple. My body wants to be a den of iniquity for a while, and I for one am not going to put the kibosh on that!!

Friday, 2 January 2009 Comments: 0

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